The Backyard Trampoline

The backyard trampoline: a child's dream and a parent's nightmare. A few years ago, my sister asked my parents to spring for one (pun intended), and my parents reluctantly obliged. For this blog entry, I have taken the liberty of weighing the pros and cons of owning a backyard trampoline.

Pros:

1. A videogame alternative. For today's gaming generation of youth, the outdoor trampoline gives children the opportunity to simulate their favorite Super Mario Brothers game. Mind you, I wouldn't recommend that parents actually suspend concrete blocks filled with mushrooms, turtle shells, and fireballs above the trampoline. Instead, a little imagination and some brightly colored plumber outfits will bring the kids one step closer to rescuing the Princess from Bowser's castle.
   
2. A form of exercise. I, myself, have spent a good chunk of time double-bouncing friends and family. Thus, I can definitely attest to the fact that a trampoline provides a deep yet delayed burn in the old legs. For all of you power junkies out there, I'm sorry to say that SRM and PowerTap have yet to unveil a watts-measuring device specific to the trampoline; though, I'm sure it's in the works. Fortunately, trampolines are compatible with heart rate monitors and compression tights.
   

Cons:

1. A potential lawsuit. A backyard trampoline is like a magnet for children. Similar to a tractor beam, a trampoline exudes a powerful attractant that lures kids toward inevitable physical injury. Jumping begins with simple verticle movements but quickly escalates to flips, extreme double-bouncing, and, ultimately, the trampoline-to-ground transfer. Unfortunately, most people's lawns aren't as forgiving as a trampoline.
   
2. A symbol of white-trashiness (WT). A backyard trampoline by itself comes with relatively low levels of WT. On a seven point Likert-type scale ranging from low (1.0) to high (7.0), a brand new trampoline in an empty backyard carries a rating of 2.0. With the addition of other yard ornaments such as a permanently parked R.V. and/or an above-ground pool, the rating begins to increase. Moreover, the attire worn by bouncers may further augment the levels of WT. For instance, an oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt automatically fetches a minimum rating of 5.0 when coupled with a backyard trampoline. Wearing JNCO jeans and an airbrushed t-shirt from the State Fair scores no lower than 6.0. Moral of the story, accessorize carefully when purchasing a backyard trampoline.
   

Bush fast, Bush furious

Constructed in 1931, Bush Stadium has hosted its fair share of athletic teams. Whether it be the Indianapolis Capitols or the Indianapolis Indians, the venue has been an integral part of Indianapolis' sporting history. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Bush Stadium is no exception. In 1996 the Indians jumped ship for the newly built Victory Field, and ever since, the stadium has been in a perpetual state of disrepair. During the past thirteen years, the city has tried to repurpose the facility, but each attempt has failed miserably. For a while, it was converted into a midget car dirt racing track, but even the motorsports capitol of the world couldn't sustain the new format. Then in the early 2000's, the Indiana high school sports governing body (IHSAA) held the soccer state championships there. That didn't last either. Nowadays, grass grows up through the cracks in the parking lot, and years of pollution and acid rain stain the stadium walls. Every now and again, I hear about the occasional police and military training exercise that takes place on the property, but in general, Bush Statium sits vacant and unused.

Today while cruising down the White River bike path, to my surpise, I noticed new signs of life at the stadium. Positioned along the outskirts of the parking lot were two Driving Dynamics trailers along with several mid-sized cars. Looking closer at the trailers, I noticed the words "advanced driving program". These words intrigued me. Shifting my gaze towards the center of the pavement, I noticed orange traffic cones strewn about in a seemingly strategic manner. Finally, my eyes came to rest upon this solitary vehicle:


Looking closer at the side of the car, I realized that it was no ordinary machine; it was a "Driving Dynamics: Controlled Slide Car". How 'bout that. Apparently, this is what "advanced driving" is all about. A driver never knows when a controlled slide will be the most viable option; thus, said driver should be prepared for any such situation. Now, I'm no car or driving buff, but I'm pretty sure the controlled slide and the Tokyo drift are not mutually exclusive of one another. In fact, a Venn diagram would likely depict two circles overlapping as one. For this reason, I must assume that the person in the photo is either one of two people. On one hand, the presence of hair all but eliminates the possibility of Vin Diesel. Yet, his husky physique does resemble that of XXX himself. On the other hand, the comfort-fit jeans and XL polo lead me to believe he must be Paul Walker. Although, I must admit that he has put on a few pounds since the latest installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. Regardless of this man's identity, one thing is for sure: he knows how to grip it, rip it, and live it on the edge. Perhaps he is the saviour that Bush Stadium so desperately needs. Maybe the outside of the stadium is the new inside. Bare with me here for a second. Maybe, just maybe, the powers that be have had it all wrong. Why focus all of the time and money on repairing a historic landmark when the parking lot surrounding it holds so much potential. This mystery man holds the answer. If you Tokyo drift it, they will come.

Cue Kevin Costner, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and the team of ghost baseball players.

Enter turbo-charged Honda Civics stage right.

Perform choreographed Tokyo drift.

Fade to black.

And scene.

double the pleasure, double the fun

As evidenced by Dan's latest post, the best things in life come in pairs. Whether it be a pump 'n munch or a pump 'n dump, you just can't beat a multitasking establishment.

Sometimes two franchises join forces under a common roof. Take the Taco Hut, for instance. Question: What's better than Taco Bell? Answer: Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. If you're like me, nothing compares to a trip south of the border; that is, unless that border town includes a Little Italy. Gordita Supreme? Yes please. Would you like a PANormous Pizza to wash that down? Now we're talking.

Every once in a while, a rare breed of entrepreneur emerges; one that imagines the unimaginable. Such visionaries recognize a problem and provide society with THE solution. Here are a few exemplars:

Problem I: Killing time at a dry cleaners but missing out on some PTH (Prime Tanning Hours).
Solution I: Hop in a tanning bed while you wait! Chemically treated clothes AND skin cancer?!?!? Count me in.

Problem II: You find yourself running late for work. You have to eat, but you notice that a recent downpour has left your car with unsightly waterspots. You don't have time to make two stops.


Solution II: Head on over to Mr. Dan's Hamburgers Car Wash at the corner of 44th and Keystone. Never again will you have to make a choice between satisfying your gastronomical desires and waxing your blingin' Dodge Stratus. Have we reached nirvana? Almost. Is this Heaven on Earth? Nope, you're on the level my good friend. Here on the northeast side, we call it Mr. Dan's.

Prez-ploitation

For several months, a single Fall Creek Parkway billboard caught my eye. There it stood, juxtaposed against a backdrop of power lines and low-income housing. An all too familiar-looking silhouette adorned the rectangular canvas. The shadowy figure raised a single thumb in a Bill Clinton-esque salute. Without a doubt, the advertisement depicted our nation's first African-American president. At first glance, it looked like just another campaign endorsement. Even the caption echoed campaign rhetoric. It read: "Change you can believe in." Nothing strange or off-putting about that slogan, right? Wrong. Immediately to the right of the caption appeared the logo for Indiana Live! Casino. That's right...it was an ad for an Indiana casino. Apparently, President Obama's message of hope and change resonated not only in the ears of registered voters but also in the marketing department of Indiana Live! Casino.

Fast forward to last night when Mr. Gaz formally posted the guidelines for Blog Off Challenge 2K9. Knowing that I needed to start the competition off with a bang, I immediately thought of the Fall Creek Parkway billboard. I had it all planned out. After work, I would pick up some groceries at Trader Joe's, and on my way home, I would stop by the billboard and take a photo. The subsequent blog entry would pretty much write itself.

At 7pm this evening, my worst fear came true. The casino advertisement was gone...gone like N*Sync. With twilight approaching, I became desperate. I drove back to my apartment and jumped out of my car to unload the groceries. A Steel Reserve can laid crushed upon the pavement. By this point, I was in full out panic mode. For a moment, I even considered writing an entire blog entry about the demise and destruction of the beer can. I had to think of something fast.

Once inside my apartment, I channeled my mind bullets and looked for a suitable target. Praise be to Allah that I have a pet rabbit named Theodore "Ted" Bunny. I perched that little guy on the windowsill, and voila, I had an end to my story.