The Backyard Trampoline

The backyard trampoline: a child's dream and a parent's nightmare. A few years ago, my sister asked my parents to spring for one (pun intended), and my parents reluctantly obliged. For this blog entry, I have taken the liberty of weighing the pros and cons of owning a backyard trampoline.

Pros:

1. A videogame alternative. For today's gaming generation of youth, the outdoor trampoline gives children the opportunity to simulate their favorite Super Mario Brothers game. Mind you, I wouldn't recommend that parents actually suspend concrete blocks filled with mushrooms, turtle shells, and fireballs above the trampoline. Instead, a little imagination and some brightly colored plumber outfits will bring the kids one step closer to rescuing the Princess from Bowser's castle.
   
2. A form of exercise. I, myself, have spent a good chunk of time double-bouncing friends and family. Thus, I can definitely attest to the fact that a trampoline provides a deep yet delayed burn in the old legs. For all of you power junkies out there, I'm sorry to say that SRM and PowerTap have yet to unveil a watts-measuring device specific to the trampoline; though, I'm sure it's in the works. Fortunately, trampolines are compatible with heart rate monitors and compression tights.
   

Cons:

1. A potential lawsuit. A backyard trampoline is like a magnet for children. Similar to a tractor beam, a trampoline exudes a powerful attractant that lures kids toward inevitable physical injury. Jumping begins with simple verticle movements but quickly escalates to flips, extreme double-bouncing, and, ultimately, the trampoline-to-ground transfer. Unfortunately, most people's lawns aren't as forgiving as a trampoline.
   
2. A symbol of white-trashiness (WT). A backyard trampoline by itself comes with relatively low levels of WT. On a seven point Likert-type scale ranging from low (1.0) to high (7.0), a brand new trampoline in an empty backyard carries a rating of 2.0. With the addition of other yard ornaments such as a permanently parked R.V. and/or an above-ground pool, the rating begins to increase. Moreover, the attire worn by bouncers may further augment the levels of WT. For instance, an oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt automatically fetches a minimum rating of 5.0 when coupled with a backyard trampoline. Wearing JNCO jeans and an airbrushed t-shirt from the State Fair scores no lower than 6.0. Moral of the story, accessorize carefully when purchasing a backyard trampoline.